This isn’t going to be one of those plans for 2011 kind of posts…I’ve been meaning to stop by for quite some time, and realize i haven’t been here since some time in September. I’ve closed in a bit on myself… the Blank Canvas Project has kept me here, and I’ll stay until the end of January – at which time I’ll head here to assist my mom during her recovery from double knee replacement (approx 4-6 weeks). At some point I hope my house here will sell so that I can relocate permanently here… but if Mom doesn’t need my assistance after 6 weeks and my house hasn’t yet sold, I’ll probably go back here so I can stay in my own house – I miss my things…my stuff. My projects, my artsy things, the nice things…my home. I miss being home.
I’ve learned so much in the job assignments I’ve had while living here! The Blank Canvas Project has a few strokes of paint on it so far… and I’m learning that I’m stronger than I thought, and I can basically be transplanted anywhere and be just fine (i knew this before but it’s nice to know for sure).
It’s also interesting to figure out whom I truly do miss from my time in Missouri. The list is much shorter than I would have thought! My grandmother told my mom years ago: if you can count your friends on one hand by the end of your lifetime, you are very lucky.
it’s true. …so true.
[edit: before you read what's next , please know in the weeks following this post, things changed significantly - in lieu of explaining, i will just say that a lot has changed, and this doesnt' represent me any more...which gives me pause - what was real? I was incredibly supportive and giving, and a good communicator... we had a great conversation, and then nothing - found out he put up a new dating profile, didn't respond to a voicmail message..so I never heard from him again. What? He must have been much more broken than I originally thought...instead of feeling responsible for helping him, I let that go and moved on - gave myself permission not to "fix" it... if that's the way he wants to live his life, then it's a blessing I'm not entangled anymore in his drama. How will I know for next time? I hope I'll figure it out earlier, and know more and trust myself more next time...and I'm planning for some space between now and then - the next opportunity. And, well, I'm sure there's another post in here somehwere. ~rain~ Jan 23, 2011 ]
I started dating someone earlier this fall ~ which has been such a blessing in so many ways. But we both knew it was temporary (as he has kids here and isn’t moving, and I have plans to be in a different city in 2011 and am not staying …but we enjoyed each other’s company and decided to spend time together while we overlapped on the time/space continuum). I’m one of those people who would rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… although the grass is always greener – the saying goodbye in a few weeks will be difficult. But I don’t think we can stay friends…although he thinks we can – I know I’m going to need my emotional energy free from him so I can focus on my journey…we’d both end up resenting one another if I stayed and wrapped my life around his ~ and he doesn’t want more children (has 3 already) and was very clear about this from the start… and I’m not ready to make that decision yet – to not or to have children. Part of me thinks “I’d rather have a fantastic partner than children” and the other part of me thinks “I want a fantastic partner and I want children with him” …and yet another part of me is starting to think “I’m 34 and if I want to have kids I should get settled and start looking into artificial insemination or adoption again” and do it on my own…and the partner would come if he was designed to be in my life. BUT YET ANOTHER part of me believes it’s not fair to the kids (or me) to have/adopt children on my own – without a father… and then another part of me thinks it woudl be easier in some ways to be a single parent. This may sound like I’m confused, although I have to tell you I think I’m very much *not* confused… there is a right set of circumstances out there… I just need to be available to find it. The trajectory of my life in this area hasn’t been set yet. And that includes moving on and getting settled in my new city when the other pieces fall into place (see paragraph above)
Some of the blessings I’ve learned: I’m lovable, I want to love someone – and be part of a partnership, relationships aren’t always pretty, knowing and loving someone doesn’t mean that you like them all the time. I have choices and the ability to decide what works/doesn’t work for me… and I want to have the option to have a baby/children in my life.
Some of the things I’ve realized (or re-remembered): I need a partner who is financially secure, knows who he is, doesn’t have a great deal of extra baggage [although at least my baggage is pretty & matches lol], has healthy boundaries with the people in his life, isn’t looking for a woman to “take care of him” in ways that he’s able to care for himself… who appreciates the little things about me that bless him – it’s draining to give to someone who receives ~and is happy receiving (I realized not long ago the more he pulled back and became self-involved and self-focused, the more I gave and tried to help/fix/give support to him and his self-involved-ness…which meant there was less and less for him to offer me. And my reserves were empty – there’s not much in my basket anymore…and yet I keep wanting to give in hopes that he will start giving again…what’s wrong with this picture?) Why do I accept less than I deserve? What have I learned from this one? Probably the same lesson I learned from the last one…maybe I need to consider this lesson learned. And maybe I need to stop looking – and focus on myself. That’s what the books say, anyway. And sometimes I get lonely and I’m sooooo ok with doing things on my own (am used to it – and often need that down time to recoup as I’m an introvert) but other times, as my body starts the hormone-induced-baby-drum-beat at 34, it’s time to get started on the next phase of my life. The phase where I get to have what I want & what I deserve…something better. I want more. A realistic more.
The transition into working with the geriatric population as a speech language pathologist has been the best career move…ever. I feel like a detective every day – new patients to see, new problems to solve, new people to educate on swallowing or cognition/memory concerns. Staff education. A team approach to patient treatment plans. Even though some days it’s a 10-hour work day sometimes, I come home tired but refreshed, if that makes sense. I’m using my clinical background in a way I’ve never used it before…which is such a blessing. Right now I’m loving working in rehab.
I didn’t send out Christmas cards this year…well, a few, but not many. I looked at the holiday-induced ciaos differently this year, too. It was such a pleasure to *not* be engaged in the frenzy. I got a few special things for my parents, and a few little things for all the nieces and nephews… they’re more thoughtful than they are expensive. My mom and I went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve…and I didn’t feel the “spirit of Christmas” so it just is a mirror to show me that I’m feeling very far from G-D right now… I used to be so filled with fire- you know? I knew things for sure, I was confident in my beliefs and how things should go… and yet with more life experience my desire to be part of a church community has waned significantly. I’m sure I’ll go back at some point… sometime.
This really is a year of transition ~ from when I submitted my resignation last April to the summer Blank Canvas Project to moving across the country to Delaware and starting in a whole new area of my profession… to wrapping up the house and getting settled in a new city hopefully by summer 2011… literally, a whole year of transition (and more).
Someone told me not long ago that when you want to do/accomplish something, to “put it into existence”.
So this is me, putting things into existence:
1) expanding & enriching my personal life
2) maintaining & tweaking a healthy work/life balance
3) travel both near & far…to see friends & meet new ones (perhaps from this very wibsite)
4) establish myself professionally in a new city and carve out a niche for myself
5) embrace opportunities as they present themselves (to spend time with friends, to meet new ones, to have & create life experiences)
6) to get back on the gluten-free diet that worked so well for me…with limited sugar intake…and not feel deprived. I bet the weight will just melt off…figure out why this has always been a struggle for me… why is it I put this on the back burner? Figure it out, Mary – this is your life… don’t waste it. Don’t wish it away. Do something.