breasts & garbage men

yup. that’s right. it’s garbage day.  except they changed the schedule… so the truck came at 6:40am instead of 10:30.  imagine my surprise to hear it…so i dashed outside in my long flowing black nightgown with breasts flailing… grabbed two trashcans, caught the guy’s attention as he was about to pass my house.  i said Wait! I have Two More Cans! and i ran (ran!) back to get the other trashcans (which needed to be empty for Wed’s successful demolition of the craft/utility room) and I got to the street as fast as my little feet would carry me. He waited.  I thanked him profusely (remember I woke up about 20 min ago so I’m still a little groggy…probably not realizing how i look…)  he emptied the remaining two cans…I thanked him again (whew!) and started to gather the garbage cans so I could take them back…and he stopped his truck and looked at me and smiled and said “by the way, my name is Steve!” and i laughed, told him my name…and then realized I looked a sight.  and I’m sure my breasts will still flailing.  i think any red blooded American male would want to introduce himself to flailing breasts in a black nightgown…at 6:40am.  On a tuesday.

 

 

on hold? and transition.

I’m much more like my mom than I would have thought ~ she doesn’t ever talk about things when things aren’t going well (which means she’s been silent for years b/c of my dad), and i have to drag them out of her…which is never fun (but usually leads to a cathartic/solution-oriented conversation…or at least allows her to share her burdens…except for all those times it doesn’t).  Years ago, maybe somewhere between high school and being settled & social here in STL, I realized that the victim mentality doesn’t work for me ~ i’m physically unable to tolerate it – i shut people out who have it b/c why waste my time?…it’s self-serving, selfish, and doesn’t encourage us to be the best we can be ~ or move on! and become better.  And I don’t want to waste any friend’s time…

Whether the source of the transition is an external change or your own inner development, the transition always starts with an ending.
To become something else, you have to stop being what you are now;
to start doing things a new way, you have to end the way you are doing them now;
and to develop a new attitude or outlook, you have to let go of the old one you have now.
Even though it sounds backwards, endings always come first.
The first task is to let go.

~william bridges, Transitions (2004), page 80

I know I’m in transition… but the “hold” component of late is a bit much.  Seriously.  The not-getting-a-job for a while…then getting-a-job in the midst of being jerked around by my company… then the two big job opportunities that fell through with my company….then being moved to Cobra amidst lots of confusion because it’s such a system-less system (and not knowing what monthly Cobra expenses will cost, btw)…and lowering the price of my house and having no oh-my-gosh-i’ve-gotta-see-this-and-put-in-an-offer showings… and finding the gutter must be blocked after years as evidenced by water damage in the repaired & painted basement wall that was repaired last spring… and someone stealing my agent’s signs… and realizing that the PRN job facility is crazy – it also doesn’t have systems in place and the staff is uneducated and isn’t being held accountable.

When you are in transition
you actually fall apart
so you can put the pieces back together again (differently).

i recently signed up for weight watchers…and the ww experience threw me for a loop, so i cancelled my membership. since then, i’ve been craving sugar (made icing the other night b/c i didn’t have sweets in the house) and i’ve been making fairly good choices …but also ate a gazillion mini candy bars in the last two weeks b/c i’ve been shopping at the dollar store to save $$ on household expenses and they’ve been impulse purchases…basically been binging ~ but am trying to reign it back in by eating veggies and kale – but am not quite there yet.  it’s like a pendulum swinging.  i need my food groove back – i’ve gotta take it back….and that takes a lot (not sure i have what it takes yet)  i need to cook, to be cooking, but i’m doing what i’m able by going to chipotle or q’doba to get a bowl of rice & beans & pico & protein…tonight it was sushi from trader joe’s.
i broke up with my company (from my perspective), and there’s still drama about how much money i owe them.  i’m so done with being frustrated with them, but at the same time they took a chance and hired me last fall and part of me is torn re: loyalty…but i’m excited to work with a company that has procedures and systems in place already – and i’m supposed to do my job AND THEY’re SUPPOSED to do THEIRs.  it’s like we broke up -except we don’t have to trade “stuff” (book, cde, toothbrush, shirt…)  I got a job on my own about six weeks ago ~ this job is having their new grad speech-path start at the beginning of june…they said they may need me while he gets settled….

…it’s just that i do so much better with a plan and there are no plans right now (and i can’t make plans or move forward with things via plan because the house hasn’t sold).  I’m doing the best i can…or, at least what i’m able.  i’ve probably gained several pounds recently…and i’m trying to focus on other things – and do the best that i can.  and am not dating or looking here because i’m not staying.  i also keep running into walls when i try to find private insurance – no one will medically underwrite a policy for me b/c of my asthma & height/weight.  so that means i’d need to at least work part time somewhere to purchase benefits, but i don’t want that right now b/c it’s locking me in again… and i still don’t understand what’s wrong with my – why can’t i get myself in shape (literally)?  would spending a lot of $ so i’m motivated help – like hire an excellent personal trainer?  that’s something that’s rolling around in my head.  these are some of the stream-of-consciousness-channels inside my head.  or maybe my Plan B should be to get married…and get on my husband’s work insurance!  it’s just so disappointing that what-i-want-to-do is soooooo heavily dictated by health insurance benefits (or lackthereof)

and yesterday afternoon I sent a few texts back & forth with my sister in law – we’ve been trying to talk for a while…so i suggested we talk last night after i got home & grabbed some dinner.  and then my phone volume was down, i worked for approx 2 hours on an email to my company, and missed her call. it’s like inviting people over to your house for a party and then you’re stuck at the gas station with car trouble.  geeze!

does it surprise you that in the last 6-7-ish weeks i’ve gone through 2.5 medium (750ml) bottles of coconut rum/whiskey with coke?

good news – went to the finger doctor surgeon this week…my tendon is in process of reattaching!  so i can be out of the splint (except when i’m working or sleeping).  those little digit-phalanges we have are so important! and I’m gonna go call some handymen to help me with my gutter…and fix my previously-fixed-wall. and see if they can fix the stove – one of the burners doesn’t work since i was away for so long.  And there’s more, i’m sure…. but that’s what’s been rolling around in my head recently.  please excuse me while i tiptoe back into my cave now – it’s hard to feel like you can make your life start when you’re in transition.

~ Quoting the Spaniard ~

hi wibfolk ~ let me ‘splain.  …no, there is too much.   let me sum up:

1) had a critical conversation with my mom… it went very well (except for the tears) and i felt much lighter afterwards…until we talked a few days later and we had Critical Conversation Part Two.  (followed by CC’s Three, Four, and Five)  which were heavier.  but i think it’s all even now…a bit of time and continuing the conversation helped…clarification & communication are both key.

2) bit the bullet (no put intended) and joined Weight Watchers last night.  I’m not a calorie counter b/c I’m more of a whole-food girl, but hope the new PointsPlus program & the work I did last year will mesh well after some initial bumps re: theory/philosophy.  I’m optimistic that participating in the WW program will be beneficial and I won’t be resistant…and it will bring me closer to being able to reflect my true self.  both online tools & meetings…may or may not talk about it much ~ will keep you posted.

3) started the new job today (took a lot of time & energy to get here)  …am thankful they will pay me for today’s orientation (the contract agency hardly compensates me for orientation, which i don’t like), and I go back tomorrow to basically ‘shadow’ the full-time speech therapist (find out where things are, procedures, paperwork, online patient documentation).  I’ll bring my calendar and hope to set up a schedule for the next two weeks (and proof of identity ~ need to find my SS card or passport…which i’ve never used by the way ~ if memory serves, it’s gonna expire in 2016.  need to do some visiting!)

4)  made a dream/vision board….  will be making more.  it’s important to have a thesis/theme for the boards…it’s more challenging than slapping pretty pictures down on paper (it’s also difficult b/c you’re supposed to look at the dream board all the time & think/ponder/meditate..and I have to hide private things when i’m gone because the house is on the market ~ **and** i need to remember to put private things away before I leave b/c strangers could walk through my home any moment…have i mentioned recently that i’m a private person and don’t like to have strangers in my home uninvited?  but that’s whole different story)

5)  am also realizing that my thoughts have really shifted in a negative way…not sure when this shift happened (probably more recently, somewhere in Delaware).  feels like i’m becoming negative in my thoughts, yet i’m so encouraging and supportive and optimistic toward others (genuinely), but then why am i usually so hard/unforgiving/discouraging to myself when it’s just me, myself, and I?  am trying to catch myself when i think i wont’ ever lose weight, or won’t ever date/marry someone who’s remotely worthy or good enough for me, or…you get the picture.  if i don’t think i deserve it, why on earth should anyone else?  and we’re all a work in progress, are we not?  i am working on the thoughts and having higher standards…work in progress.

6) the past month has been filled with decompressing from time on the east coast, insecurity b/c no job lined up (thus no $ coming in), then a week of frustration b/c of angst with me taking this job re: my contract agency employer, feeling off socially b/c I’m back in MO after saying goodbye last August (back  b/c my house hasn’t yet sold), not selling my house (yet), someone keeps stealing the “hey there’s a house for sale down this street!” sign ~ in the past 3.5 weeks, three signs have been stolen.  I do better with a plan, and when I’m doing stuff…this past month has had no plan and I haven’t been doing stuff b/c there’s been no plan… see?  viscous circle.

7)  have been focusing on reestablishing relationships both near & far…and thankfully there is fruit.

8)  realized recently that i’ve literally put my life on hold…so I’m trying to let it move a little bit while I’m in limbo ~ which for some reason feels challenging at times.

9) i look forward to reading your comments on any number (or all of them for that matter!)…and I’m not making any promises, but it’s my goal to be more present on the wib, too.  am giving myself some space from the big social networking site, and find it very liberating…may even develop even stronger boundaries.  higher standards!  firmer boundaries!
~ ahhhh, yes ~
…sleep well, whenever & wherever you are (((((wib)))))

Blank Canvas Project: an update

It’s that time again – by the end of the week, I’ll move out of the apartment in Delaware I’ve been living in for 5 months… the trunk is 1/2 way packed…and i hope to fit it all inside the car when it’s time to head out of town.

.

Professionally, I’ve grown.
lots of new skills, new confidence, and so much more I know I dont’ know (yet).

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Personally, I think I’ve finally learned some lessons.
To listen & adhere to any/all red flags that wave themselves in front of my face… that I deserve to be treated respectfully… and to love and be loved.  Not sure if/when/why/how that’ll happen, especially with the drum-beat that many women in their 30’s start to hear (not all, mind you…but many)

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I’m scared of the month ahead – am moving back home to help parents for 4-6+ weeks… you may find me here venting… actually, it makes me sick to think about – all that can go wrong.  …the knowing too much about my father’s mental illness and how it impacts my mom and, in turn, how it will impact me being under the same roof in a helping capacity.  I hope to stay centered and balanced.

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I haven’t felt connected – not where I came from, not where I’ve been, and not connected to where I’m going.
It’s been an “in between” time.  Which has its own blessings & challenges.
And it’s lonely.  Don’t worry, it’s not a victim-y thing… more of a current state.
One can be lonely in a crowd, with friends, or by him/herself.

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I used to have it all figured out with food and stuff – was on a great track.
Got off track.
Time to get back on the track.
… take control, lose the pounds
…and get myself ready for… well, ready for whatever is next.

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i also had a stream of consciousness here…in case you’re interested in reading something while drinking your tea.

Imagine that ~ the password worked!

This isn’t going to be one of those plans for 2011 kind of posts…I’ve been meaning to stop by for quite some time, and realize i haven’t been here since some time in September.  I’ve closed in a bit on myself… the Blank Canvas Project has kept me here, and I’ll stay until the end of January – at which time I’ll head here to assist my mom during her recovery from double knee replacement (approx 4-6 weeks).  At some point I hope my house here will sell so that I can relocate permanently here… but if Mom doesn’t need my assistance after 6 weeks and my house hasn’t yet sold, I’ll probably go back here so I can stay in my own house – I miss my things…my stuff.  My projects, my artsy things, the nice things…my home. I miss being home.

I’ve learned so much in the job assignments I’ve had while living here!  The Blank Canvas Project has a few strokes of paint on it so far… and I’m learning that I’m stronger than I thought, and I can basically be transplanted anywhere and be just fine (i knew this before but it’s nice to know for sure).

It’s also interesting to figure out whom I truly do miss from my time in Missouri.  The list is much shorter than I would have thought!  My grandmother told my mom years ago: if you can count your friends on one hand by the end of your lifetime, you are very lucky.

it’s true.  …so true.

[edit: before you read what’s next , please know in the weeks  following this post, things changed significantly – in lieu of explaining, i will just say that a lot has changed, and this doesnt’ represent me any more…which gives me pause – what was real?  I was incredibly supportive and giving, and a good communicator… we had a great conversation, and then nothing – found out he put up a new dating profile, didn’t respond to a voicmail message..so I never heard from him again.  What?  He must have been much more broken than I originally thought…instead of feeling responsible for helping him, I let that go and moved on – gave myself permission not to “fix” it… if that’s the way he wants to live his life, then it’s a blessing I’m not entangled anymore in his drama.  How will I know for next time?  I hope I’ll figure it out earlier, and know more and trust myself more next time…and I’m planning for some space between now and then – the next opportunity.  And, well, I’m sure there’s another post in here somehwere.  ~rain~ Jan 23, 2011 ]
I started dating someone earlier this fall ~ which has been such a blessing in so many ways.  But we both knew it was temporary (as he has kids here and isn’t moving, and I have plans to be in a different city in 2011 and am not staying …but we enjoyed each other’s company and decided to spend time together while we overlapped on the time/space continuum).  I’m one of those people who would rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… although the grass is always greener – the saying goodbye in a few weeks will be difficult.  But I don’t think we can stay friends…although he thinks we can – I know I’m going to need my emotional energy free from him so I can focus on my journey…we’d both end up resenting one another if I stayed and wrapped my life around his ~ and he doesn’t want more children (has 3 already) and was very clear about this from the start… and I’m not ready to make that decision yet – to not or to have children.  Part of me thinks “I’d rather have a fantastic partner than children” and the other part of me thinks “I want a fantastic partner and I want children with him” …and yet another part of me is starting to think “I’m 34 and if I want to have kids I should get settled and start looking into artificial insemination or adoption again” and do it on my own…and the partner would come if he was designed to be in  my life.  BUT YET ANOTHER part of me believes it’s not fair to the kids (or me) to have/adopt children on my own – without a father… and then another part of me thinks it woudl be easier in some ways to be a single parent.  This may sound like I’m confused, although I have to tell you I think I’m very much *not* confused… there is a right set of circumstances out there… I just need to be available to find it.  The trajectory of my life in this area hasn’t been set yet.   And that includes moving on and getting settled in my new city when the other pieces fall into place (see paragraph above)

Some of the blessings I’ve learned: I’m lovable, I want to love someone – and be part of a partnership, relationships aren’t always pretty, knowing and loving someone doesn’t mean that you like them all the time.  I have choices and the ability to decide what works/doesn’t work for me… and I want to have the option to have a baby/children in my life.

Some of the things I’ve realized (or re-remembered): I need a partner who is financially secure, knows who he is, doesn’t have a great deal of extra baggage [although at least my baggage is pretty & matches  lol], has healthy boundaries with the people in his life, isn’t looking for a woman to “take care of him” in ways that he’s able to care for himself… who appreciates the little things about me that bless him – it’s draining to give to someone who receives ~and is happy receiving (I realized not long ago the more he pulled back and became self-involved and self-focused, the more I gave and tried to help/fix/give support to him and his self-involved-ness…which meant there was less and less for him to offer me.  And my reserves were empty – there’s not much in my basket anymore…and yet I keep wanting to give in hopes that he will start giving again…what’s wrong with this picture?)  Why do I accept less than I deserve?  What have I learned from this one?  Probably the same lesson I learned from the last one…maybe I need to consider this lesson learned.  And maybe I need to stop looking – and focus on myself.  That’s what the books say, anyway.  And sometimes I get lonely and I’m sooooo ok with doing things on my own (am used to it – and often need that down time to recoup as I’m an introvert) but other times, as my body starts the hormone-induced-baby-drum-beat at 34, it’s time to get started on the next phase of my life.  The phase where I get to have what I want & what I deserve…something better.  I want more.  A realistic more.

The transition into working with the geriatric population as a speech language pathologist has been the best career move…ever.  I feel like a detective every day – new patients to see, new problems to solve, new people to educate on swallowing or cognition/memory concerns.  Staff education.  A team approach to patient treatment plans.   Even though some days it’s a 10-hour work day sometimes, I come home tired but refreshed, if that makes sense.  I’m using my clinical background in a way I’ve never used it before…which is such a blessing.  Right now I’m loving working in rehab.

I didn’t send out Christmas cards this year…well, a few, but not many.  I looked at the holiday-induced ciaos differently this year, too.  It was such a pleasure to *not* be engaged in the frenzy.  I got a few special things for my parents, and a few little things for all the nieces and nephews… they’re more thoughtful than they are expensive.   My mom and I went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve…and I didn’t feel the “spirit of Christmas” so it just is a mirror to show me that I’m feeling very far from G-D right now… I used to be so filled with fire- you know?  I knew things for sure, I was confident in my beliefs and how things should go… and yet with more life experience my desire to be part of a church community has waned significantly.  I’m sure I’ll go back at some point… sometime.

This really is a year of transition ~ from when I submitted my resignation last April to the summer Blank Canvas Project to moving across the country to Delaware and starting in a whole new area of my profession… to wrapping up the house and getting settled in a new city hopefully by summer 2011… literally, a whole year of transition (and more).

Someone told me not long ago that when you want to do/accomplish something, to “put it into existence”.
So this is me, putting things into existence:
1) expanding & enriching my personal life
2) maintaining & tweaking a healthy work/life balance
3) travel both near & far…to see friends & meet new ones (perhaps from this very wibsite)
4) establish myself professionally in a new city and carve out a niche for myself
5) embrace opportunities as they present themselves (to spend time with friends, to meet new ones, to have & create life experiences)
6) to get back on the gluten-free diet that worked so well for me…with limited sugar intake…and not feel deprived.  I bet the weight will just melt off…figure out why this has always been a struggle for me… why is it I put this on the back burner?  Figure it out, Mary – this is your life… don’t waste it.  Don’t wish it away.  Do something.

She was 103 years old & radiant

Yup.  She *is* 103 years old, and sharp as a tack.
She was having trouble with pureed meats, as they were getting caught under her dentures – she recently lost weight, and her dentures are fitting much more loosely, thus pureed meats get caught and become uncomfortable.  She moves a little more slowly than she used to, so it’s increasingly difficult to get up & rinse her dentures during a meal…. she recently did fine with chicken from-a-bone her family brought in.  Could she try regular meats instead?

So I went in and introduced myself.  We talked.  For a while.  I brought in several consistencies of meat during lunchtime.  She always takes small bites.  She did well with no signs or symptoms of aspiration & her swallow was just fine.  She handled the regular texture just fine…

and while we were talking during our 45 minute interaction, she was glowing.  Absolutely radiant.  She was talking about her faith.  Her belief in GOD.  How good HE is to her.  Some of her history when HE has intervened.

and she was praying for me to come – I was an answer to prayer.  She was so thankful for me. So glad I had come.

All I could think was “um, it’s not that difficult.  I’m in the building – just ask the nurse and I’ll come do an evaluation for you” .  I felt very heathen-like, or rather unfaithful…unbelieving?  there’s a better word out there.

But her faith was so strong.  About everything.  …it really WAS a strong witness…

and I hope at some point, before I’m 103, my belief system will be more of a foundation than it currently is… radiantly glowing.

what a difference one week makes

One week ago tonight I was feeling anxious, sick to my stomach, anxious, nervous, upset, teary (and did I mention anxious?)

However, after the first day was the 2nd…then all of the sudden I’ve wrapped up day #5 and I’m familiar with the paperwork, the rhythm of the facility, am remembering some names of people in the building, and am feeling really happy about this change in practice area.

Which is such a blessing.
Because I was really questioning myself and recent decisions.
(Seriously…things got pretty dark for a while the last few weeks)

I’m also exhausted at the end of each workday b/c I’ve utilized so much mental & emotional energy at work, but that’s a different post for another day.

After the overwhelming first day (which was 10.5 hours – long for me after not working since June!) the consecutive days got better. And now I’m not phased when new things come my way – if I can’t figure it out, there’s always someone to ask.

I’m providing mostly dysphagia (swallowing) therapy with elderly adults in a medical rehabilitative setting. Also some cognition and motor speech therapy, too. Basically I make a “to do” list for the next day, and when I walk in that next morning I may have a new evaluation to do for a new patient (or three), see my regular patients, handle things as they come up…and make a new list at the end of the day for tomorrow.

I’m using many of the same tools in my clinical tool set as those I made & used the past 10 years in the pediatric setting…except my clients go by “Mr” or “Mrs.”, have a more advanced vocabulary, and often make great strides in recovery in short amounts of time (although sometimes the patients remain the same…or perhaps they decline in status). That’s how it works.

There are still many weeks ahead on this particular canvas (possibly until early November, but may be extended to December) but I anticipate it will pass quickly, I’ll learn a lot, and no one will get hurt.

So far, this particular brushstroke in the Blank Canvas Project may tentatively be categorized as a success.

A brushstroke (Blank Canvas Project #1)

And this post is illustrated with photographs!
Harrington, DE 109

Why haven’t you been around recently? I’ve been wrapping up life in the mid-west so I could start living on the east coast.  This involved a lot of phone calls, many tears, and a lot of lists…I mean, a LOT.

What has this last week been like for you? Good question, let’s see… Last Saturday I took my parents to the airport after their visit, then packed my clothes, gathered my belongings for the next three months, then packed my car….said goodbye to friends, did lots of last minute things, frequently referred to my lists, and between Tuesday and Friday I packed the car, drove 1/2 way across the country, and arrived in Delaware ready to move in

How long did it take you to pack that little 4-door sedan? Two days.

Were you able to fit everything you wanted to bring? Amazingly, yes!

How did you actually do that? Well, after much consideration, I settled on a bag system.  With everything in its own bag, then it was all able to nestle in together.

What??!  No boxes? Nope.  not one box came with me, nor did I use any luggage.  Look at all this stuff!

Was your cross-country trip eventful? Actually, it was pleasantly uneventful.  My car started making a continual MOO-ing sound somewhere in Ohio, however I’m hoping it’ll go away at some point.  If need be I can always get it looked at.

So how long did it take you? That’s an interesting question, because it should have taken about 16-ish hours.  But since I decided to sleep in the car (so my bike & clothes on top wouldn’t get stolen en route) it took about 23 hours the first day, then 2.5 the next day.

You slept where? In the car – and the seat didn’t recline b/c it was so packed… as you can imagine, I was thrilled to stretch out on a bed the next night!

It sounds like you arrived safely.  After you signed the rental paperwork, what did you do next? I spent a few hours unpacking the car – it looked like one of those circus clown cars.  Things kept coming out of the trunk!

How many times did you go up & down the 2 flights of stairs to your apartment? I couldn’t begin to tell you – I stopped counting after 172, but my muscles are pretty sore today.

You mentioned some pictures? YES!  Please see below… I forgot how to share & embed & comment, so I’ll do my best.  These are from the day I arrived (yesterday) and I’ll have more images to share of the town very soon!

Harrington, DE 098 the very packed car!
Harrington, DE 092 from the back ….and Harrington, DE 091 the other side!

(I got a lot of odd looks from local townsfolk when I took these photos – they were just going about their business on a Friday afternoon…and here was a lady with Missouri license plates taking photographs of her own car, IN THE RAIN, in front of the post office.  Why?)  :)
(Harrington, DE 097 a view into the back seat… amazingly it all fit.
Harrington, DE 095 my passenger seat during the drive (the red balloon didn’t join me until the end of the trip – see below)
…and this is what it looked like unpacked:
Harrington, DE 113

Harrington, DE 112

Harrington, DE 111
these 3 duffel bags were in the rooftop carrier – 11 cubic filled with clothes (summer clothes, winterwear, and stuff for the beach!)
friendly welcome at FriendshipVillage a welcome basket!

And here are some town photos… more to follow soon! :)
the public library
it's a bus barn!
Harrington, DE 106
The bank is on Commerce St - of course! …so where’s the bank? On Commerce Street!

please join me next time when I’ll provide more images of the local, rural, town :)

~.~ the little engine that could ~.~

After months of searching, talking, scouring the Internet, emailing, talking, sending resumes, talking, following-up, keeping track of things, researching, note taking, talking, and searching…

I FOUND A JOB!

We’re working out specifics, but I am on board with my new company…we’re working out details for the 3-month job assignment.  In three weeks, they’re sending me to Denton, Maryland – on the eastern shore, not too far from the Atlantic ocean.  I will either be living in Delaware or Maryland – we’re not sure yet.

My house in Missouri is still on the market, but if it doesn’t sell in the next few months, we’ll put it back on in the springtime!  It’s just a matter of finding the right buyer.  And the housing market here is pretty slow…as I’m sure it is in many other places too.

Things are starting to kick into high gear.  It’s going to happen very quickly.
I’m getting into List-Making-Mode… and need to find some sort of car storage to help me bring the things I need – or possibly I could mail myself some things… need to decide on an apartment, then I’ll know what needs to be packed…LISTS!

In other news, VIV (very important visitors) will arrive next week.  My parents are coming for a few days, which will be such a blessing.  I’m trying to get a lot of To Do list tasks accomplished before they arrive…so then we’ll be able to play!

Oh!  and I need to remember how to add photos on here… so I can keep you posted with visuals as this Blank Canvas Project unfolds :)

bowls, jobs, and dreams.

Yesterday I realized that food doesn’t have the same power that it once did.
Yesterday I had a bowl of chips.
And didn’t eat the whole bag.
Nor did I even think of the whole bag.
Instead of using the large bowl currently sitting on the counter, I went and got a cereal bowl out of the cupboard.  As I opened the bag of chips to put a handful into the smaller bowl, I saw the bigger bowl on the counter…and wondered “when did that happen?”.    Although it seems sudden, it’s not.  I no longer felt out of control like food was controlling me… or perhaps my “need” for food was controlling me.  (need to be careful here – sometimes the more I talk/think about something it usually backfires – don’t want to set myself up here, but it was a pretty powerful moment and wanted to get it out).  I ate one or two chips at a time, enjoying the flavor, stopped when I had enough…didn’t shove my mouth full of tasteless chips just to swallow them whole.   Anyway, I’m eating more for fuel… and when there is some emotional eating I know why…and am able to understand more about cravings and what they mean.  Big step, good investment, and glad to be on this side of that particular journey.

Speaking of journeys – Blank Canvas Project:  am spending 6-8 hours/day on the phone with potential employers, trying to find a good fit.  Am working closely with two companies, trying to find a job in either Missouri or in Maryland (I have a license to practice in both of those states already – any other state we’d need approximately 2 months to obtain a license… so if I get started in Missouri or Maryland first, I can apply to a different state and have my new license ready when job #2 comes along).  Oh, are you confused?  Let me explain: am seeking 3-month assignments as a traveling therapist.  So I go to where the jobs are… which is SO different than working in the schools (with absolutely no flexibility) because it’s so different and I’m not locked in for the rest of my life – If I’m not really loving an assignment, no worries… something different is right around the corner.

Sometimes I have dreams that stick with me most of the day, but usually they are right at the tip of my memory after waking up – and are often gone or fade rapidly as I try to chase them…
Then there’s the other side, too – I often daydream quite vividly (and have frequent deja vu) because I’ve either dreamt something, daydreamed it, or have ESP.  I also vividly envision different scenarios, how a conversation may go or how I’d respond to a certain situation.  Not infrequently (unfortunately) I actually think I’ve talked to someone about something / said something / actually had a conversation… only to realize perhaps that’s not the case.  It’s embarrassing sometimes to NEED to clarify about a conversation that may or may not have happened in real life.  I find it’s just easier to preface the odd conversation by sharing about my daydreams – and perhaps I take visualization to a new level.

And let me thank you, each of you, for the collective wisdom shared in the previous post – I’m looking forward to all the growth and wisdom the upcoming year will bring  :)

In other news, there’s a cricket (or grasshopper – can never tell the difference) in my house; it kept me hostage in the living room last night.