A brushstroke (Blank Canvas Project #1)

And this post is illustrated with photographs!

Why haven’t you been around recently? I’ve been wrapping up life in the mid-west so I could start living on the east coast.  This involved a lot of phone calls, many tears, and a lot of lists…I mean, a LOT.

What has this last week been like for you? Good question, let’s see… Last Saturday I took my parents to the airport after their visit, then packed my clothes, gathered my belongings for the next three months, then packed my car….said goodbye to friends, did lots of last minute things, frequently referred to my lists, and between Tuesday and Friday I packed the car, drove 1/2 way across the country, and arrived in Delaware ready to move in

How long did it take you to pack that little 4-door sedan? Two days.

Were you able to fit everything you wanted to bring? Amazingly, yes!

How did you actually do that? Well, after much consideration, I settled on a bag system.  With everything in its own bag, then it was all able to nestle in together.

What??!  No boxes? Nope.  not one box came with me, nor did I use any luggage.  Look at all this stuff!

Was your cross-country trip eventful? Actually, it was pleasantly uneventful.  My car started making a continual MOO-ing sound somewhere in Ohio, however I’m hoping it’ll go away at some point.  If need be I can always get it looked at.

So how long did it take you? That’s an interesting question, because it should have taken about 16-ish hours.  But since I decided to sleep in the car (so my bike & clothes on top wouldn’t get stolen en route) it took about 23 hours the first day, then 2.5 the next day.

You slept where? In the car – and the seat didn’t recline b/c it was so packed… as you can imagine, I was thrilled to stretch out on a bed the next night!

It sounds like you arrived safely.  After you signed the rental paperwork, what did you do next? I spent a few hours unpacking the car – it looked like one of those circus clown cars.  Things kept coming out of the trunk!

How many times did you go up & down the 2 flights of stairs to your apartment? I couldn’t begin to tell you – I stopped counting after 172, but my muscles are pretty sore today.

You mentioned some pictures? YES!  Please see below… I forgot how to share & embed & comment, so I’ll do my best.  These are from the day I arrived (yesterday) and I’ll have more images to share of the town very soon!

the very packed car!
from the back ….and the other side!

(I got a lot of odd looks from local townsfolk when I took these photos – they were just going about their business on a Friday afternoon…and here was a lady with Missouri license plates taking photographs of her own car, IN THE RAIN, in front of the post office.  Why?)  :)
( a view into the back seat… amazingly it all fit.
my passenger seat during the drive (the red balloon didn’t join me until the end of the trip – see below)
…and this is what it looked like unpacked:

these 3 duffel bags were in the rooftop carrier – 11 cubic filled with clothes (summer clothes, winterwear, and stuff for the beach!)
a welcome basket!

And here are some town photos… more to follow soon! :)



…so where’s the bank? On Commerce Street!

please join me next time when I’ll provide more images of the local, rural, town :)

~.~ the little engine that could ~.~

After months of searching, talking, scouring the Internet, emailing, talking, sending resumes, talking, following-up, keeping track of things, researching, note taking, talking, and searching…

I FOUND A JOB!

We’re working out specifics, but I am on board with my new company…we’re working out details for the 3-month job assignment.  In three weeks, they’re sending me to Denton, Maryland – on the eastern shore, not too far from the Atlantic ocean.  I will either be living in Delaware or Maryland – we’re not sure yet.

My house in Missouri is still on the market, but if it doesn’t sell in the next few months, we’ll put it back on in the springtime!  It’s just a matter of finding the right buyer.  And the housing market here is pretty slow…as I’m sure it is in many other places too.

Things are starting to kick into high gear.  It’s going to happen very quickly.
I’m getting into List-Making-Mode… and need to find some sort of car storage to help me bring the things I need – or possibly I could mail myself some things… need to decide on an apartment, then I’ll know what needs to be packed…LISTS!

In other news, VIV (very important visitors) will arrive next week.  My parents are coming for a few days, which will be such a blessing.  I’m trying to get a lot of To Do list tasks accomplished before they arrive…so then we’ll be able to play!

Oh!  and I need to remember how to add photos on here… so I can keep you posted with visuals as this Blank Canvas Project unfolds :)

bowls, jobs, and dreams.

Yesterday I realized that food doesn’t have the same power that it once did.
Yesterday I had a bowl of chips.
And didn’t eat the whole bag.
Nor did I even think of the whole bag.
Instead of using the large bowl currently sitting on the counter, I went and got a cereal bowl out of the cupboard.  As I opened the bag of chips to put a handful into the smaller bowl, I saw the bigger bowl on the counter…and wondered “when did that happen?”.    Although it seems sudden, it’s not.  I no longer felt out of control like food was controlling me… or perhaps my “need” for food was controlling me.  (need to be careful here – sometimes the more I talk/think about something it usually backfires – don’t want to set myself up here, but it was a pretty powerful moment and wanted to get it out).  I ate one or two chips at a time, enjoying the flavor, stopped when I had enough…didn’t shove my mouth full of tasteless chips just to swallow them whole.   Anyway, I’m eating more for fuel… and when there is some emotional eating I know why…and am able to understand more about cravings and what they mean.  Big step, good investment, and glad to be on this side of that particular journey.

Speaking of journeys – Blank Canvas Project:  am spending 6-8 hours/day on the phone with potential employers, trying to find a good fit.  Am working closely with two companies, trying to find a job in either Missouri or in Maryland (I have a license to practice in both of those states already – any other state we’d need approximately 2 months to obtain a license… so if I get started in Missouri or Maryland first, I can apply to a different state and have my new license ready when job #2 comes along).  Oh, are you confused?  Let me explain: am seeking 3-month assignments as a traveling therapist.  So I go to where the jobs are… which is SO different than working in the schools (with absolutely no flexibility) because it’s so different and I’m not locked in for the rest of my life – If I’m not really loving an assignment, no worries… something different is right around the corner.

Sometimes I have dreams that stick with me most of the day, but usually they are right at the tip of my memory after waking up – and are often gone or fade rapidly as I try to chase them…
Then there’s the other side, too – I often daydream quite vividly (and have frequent deja vu) because I’ve either dreamt something, daydreamed it, or have ESP.  I also vividly envision different scenarios, how a conversation may go or how I’d respond to a certain situation.  Not infrequently (unfortunately) I actually think I’ve talked to someone about something / said something / actually had a conversation… only to realize perhaps that’s not the case.  It’s embarrassing sometimes to NEED to clarify about a conversation that may or may not have happened in real life.  I find it’s just easier to preface the odd conversation by sharing about my daydreams – and perhaps I take visualization to a new level.

And let me thank you, each of you, for the collective wisdom shared in the previous post – I’m looking forward to all the growth and wisdom the upcoming year will bring  :)

In other news, there’s a cricket (or grasshopper – can never tell the difference) in my house; it kept me hostage in the living room last night.

thirty four soliciting wisdom & life lessons

hello, hello!   yes, so today is the start of my 34th year… no more double-digits (gotta wait until my 44th) and am now in my mid-thirties.  I feel as though I’m learning a great deal about being myself, about the world, about food & nutrition, about relationships, about family, among lots of other things up until this point…and I look forward to continuing to grow into the future.

I’m interested in knowing what you *wish* you knew when you were 34….

or  what you *hope* to know by the time you’re 34…

or, perhaps, something that you know for sure at your current age of 34.

Advice?  Wisdom?  any interesting Life Lessons Learned? Anecdotes from which to learn?

thank you in advance for playing – and consider yourself hugged ((((((wibsite)))))

[edit] especially for Kerensa – a visual :)

To Baltimore (east) and Denver (west)  from home in St Louis (middle), a visual representation :)

here’s a map to show you… couldn’t figure out how to actually embed the google map, so please click on this link:
View Larger Map

[edit]

conversation w/ 4 year old

just arrived in Colorado, after a 875 mile drive yesterday (approx 15 hours – I am amazing!) to visit with niece and nephews as we await for baby #4 to arrive in the next week or so (hopefully!).

Aunt: “I adore you… and I think you’re pretty cool”

Nephew , 4 years:  (nods) “Yah.  and I think you’re pretty.”

tee-hee  :D

gah!

I just don’t get it.  usually I’m optimistic and upbeat and see the silver lining… and I’m still all those things.  however, today, for now, I’m just really disappointed and saddened.  loss of expectations?  perhaps that’s the perfectionist in me.  not achieving something in my brain/heart/body?  possibly.  life lessons learned? feeling the loss of what I never had?  am i feeling sorry for myself?  am i daunted by what needs to happen in the next few months?  am I discouraged? all of those things.  maybe i’ll feel better after eating some breakfast.

Only six days :(

For whatever reason, Day Five of the cleanse was really difficult…but by Day Six I was feeling great!  (I hear this is pretty common- Day 5, 10, 15, etc. are challenging b/c one’s body goes into a “deeper level of detox”).  Go here for an explanation :)

So I was walking through a parking lot and got a whiff of some really yummy beef cooking at some nearby restaurant…and I decided six days was good enough!

So I stopped my cleanse.  Now, I didn’t go off of it correctly.  Unfortunately.  Thus I had some digestive problems…but by today (day 11) things are back to normal.

My body felt good.  I lost some weight.  I felt lighter.  My head was clear (literally – but now that I’m back on regular food my congestion has come back…interesting).  I felt really good in general…and I felt liberated from food.  Does that sound odd?  It does to me – because I used to always be thinking about food…and now it’s more of an after-thought.

I didn’t think I could do one day, let alone six days… now I know I can do it.  Ten full days? It’s totally possible.

“Day Three” & an important list (blank canvas update, too)

Thank you for all of the encouraging comments from my last post -  The Blank Canvas Project is still underway, however the details are still very fuzzy.  I volunteered a week ago Friday, and realized something: whatever I do, I want to utilize my skill set.  I felt very foolish answering the phone (which rang approx once every 30-45 minutes), and finished copying/cutting/folding the cards they asked me to make in between phone calls —-in the first hour (was there for over 4 hours) —-and I feel like my time & skills were wasted – yes, they needed someone to answer the phones… but it was unfulfilling for me, because I could have helped in so many other different ways.  Which is good to know.  Certainly helps me shape this Blank Canvas Project

So…Yup.  This is Day #3 of the Master Cleanse… I know, I know – it sounds a little far fetched.  But so far so good.  The lemonade is really good (mmmmm, maple syrup) and I haven’t been hungry.  There was one day when I was away from home, and didn’t calculate the time right: my blood sugar dropped a bit.  But as soon as I walked in the door I made another lemonade mixture, and – viola!  all better. The Cayenne pepper has really cleared up my sinuses, and it apparently helps clear mucous and heal the digestive tract, too.  Oh, and without going into too much detail, the salt water bath has been instrumental in, um, overall health.  I’m shooting for ten days.  On my kitchen table, there’s a huge beautiful bowl of approximately 30 lemons – am going through about 4 lemons per day…need a minimum of six glasses of lemonade/day, up to twelve.  So far I’ve been rushing at the end of the day to get the 6th glass in – so far my body has been feeling really good…not hungry, lighter, and more clear if that makes sense.  At the end of the cleanse, I’ll take some probiotics to help the digestive system, drink fresh orange juice as recommended, and have some grain… and will try not to overwhelm my body by filling it with too much to digest at once in the future.

Since this past August, my eating habits have changed dramatically.  Strongly limiting gluten/wheat, eating whole foods in lieu of processed ones, enjoying new foods & exploring new dishes, and can now say it’s a joy (not a chore) to cook.  In the past two months, I’ve lost over twenty pounds…and one of the side benefits of doing this cleanse is weight-loss… please don’t worry – my goal for this cleanse is healing (not weight loss, although it’s a benefit).  I took a baseline weight yesterday, and will get on the scale again in about 10 days.  After that I’ll just get on the scale monthly – same time each month, too.  I think that’s key.  I’ve never been a big numbers person… but it does good things for my psyche to see the numbers going down.  I had gained a few pounds this past fall, which was SO DISCOURAGING… but after my body had some time to replenish nutrients & stuff, the weight started to come off this spring.

When I first started working with the holistic food counselor, I thought she was full of *%$#@.  However, now that I’ve gone through the program… I can now say my body is becoming more insulin sensitive, I’m craving greens (GIVE ME KALE!!!), am NOT eating nearly as much sugar – and when I do eat it it’s in different more whole/natural forms, and, well, you know what?  For my last session a few weeks ago, I made a list of the changes – lemme see… oh yes – here are most of them:

1. Increased hydration (tea/water consumption)
2. Changed friendships – shifting from unhealthy ones to good/solid/healthy friendships
3. Got organized, reduced clutter from life (tangible & intangible)
4. Moved forward with relocation plans…house is up for sale, am looking into job opportunities, etc.
   
5. Using new oils/fats in diet
6. Bringing lunch to work on regular basis
7. Skin in better condition
   
8. Stabilized blood sugars w/ increased consumption of greens
9. Now understand why protein is so important to my body!
10. Better understanding of sugars and how they impact me
11. Tried variety of natural sugars…agave nectar!  stevia! are two favorites….brown rice syrup on icecream – yum.
    
12. Cleaned out kitchen of unhealthy foods for me
13. Restocked kitchen with grains and more whole foods
14. Got better at meal planning
15. Improved thought process about when I’m hungry – am making better choices overall
    
16. Use of oils on skin & better choices of lotions for skin health
17. Decreased binge-eating behavior & emotional eating
18. Preparing/cooking isn’t as scary now – doesn’t need to be so complicated…it’s.just.simple.
19. Increased ability to sleep
20. Less resistance to food diary and/or meal planning… see the benefit of doing it, and I’m not so defensive now
21. Improved ability to ask friends for support
22. Less resistance to exercise (next phase – will become a greater priority!  so that’s my next project)
23. Increased understanding of meats (bison, lamb, rabbit) and how they work with my body
24. Pushed through the most difficult times when I was *so* discouraged
25. Some weight loss (actual number unknown b/c  scale didn’t register…but I have an approximate number)
26. Analyzed hormones several different ways… all normal (yay!)
    
27. Better understanding of acidic & alkaline and how they impact my body system
    
28. Increased use/understanding of benefits of incorporating sea weed into my diet
    
29. Looking to go from insulin resistance to insulin sensitive…and am certainly headed in that direction
    
30. Explored/tried a variety of new foods
31. Understood that wheat may not be the best for me…AND eating mostly GF (gluten-free) isn’t that difficult.
32. Increased consumption of breakfast
33. Increased ability to acknowledge and take action to nurture myself
34. Increased consumption of better, higher-quality chocolate
35. Decreased consumption of poor choices in candy bowl @ work/office
36. Decreased grazing – improved eating more at meals and less snacking in general
37. Improved digestion overall
    
38. Decreased acidic “yucky” stomach…no longer a steady state (now it usually happens when I eat pizza or something with lots of wheat/bread/pasta)
39. Decreased craving of salt
40. Better understanding that when I crave salt (or anything for that matter) I now look for the source of that craving – try to meet that nutritional need instead of going for a quick fix
41. Increased incidence of asking people for help…often they couldn’t or it fell through, but the asking has increased – which has been difficult for me in the past.
42. Better understanding the idea of “fitting out” and what that means to me
43. Taste buds have changed
44. Improved at putting myself and my own needs on the schedule
45. Now have a better understanding of low/high Glycemic Index foods
46. Decreased consumption of sugar…and I never thought that would happen!
47. Chewing is part of the digestive system: smaller, more digestible pieces turn into energy while larger indigestible pieces turn into fat and/or are stored… huge lesson learned.

I won’t go into detail, but when I was younger, I learned to eat more & more food to help push food through my digestive system… it was a gradual, immature solution to an ongoing uncomfortable constipation problem.
Why did I eat? To help move food through.
Why else did I eat? because my stomach was in a CHRONIC yucky/acidic/sour state, so putting food in my stomach made that go away – sometimes – temporarily.
Back then, putting more food in my stomach made it feel better.  Shoving more food into my mouth (theoretically) helped things move through my digestive system.

Now, when I eat and my stomach feels fine… in fact, it feels great!  I almost don’t know what to do – can hardly believe I lived a life that way for so, so long.  And digestion is doing GREAT.

In addition to these things, I also lived in a world of black:white – this food will either kill me or it won’t (anaphylaxis - tree nuts).  I’m still allergic, however eating less processed foods has been very liberating.  Less reading-of-labels and more enjoyment of sustenance.

Is it any wonder I’ve had food issues for most of my life?!??!?!??!?!!!!!!

thankfully, I am *now* on the road to healing… all sorts of healing.

“Blank Canvas Project”

This is the affectionate name of my adventure…of the new season ahead…. because I have a blank canvas in front of me – and it’s time to paint!

I’d like to thank misslisa, Kerensa, Farli, Agatha, and Ian (and friends near and far – you know who you are) for the lively, informative, encouraging & thought provoking discussion following the previous post.

It has been one week since leaving my office for the last time… and I’m just starting to spread my wings.  Just starting to think “what do I want? how do I want to paint this next chapter in my life..what colors will i use?!? the design?”

I’ve been busy doing research – lots of phone calls, internet searches, and seeking information from whatever rock I can overturn… thank you, all of you, who have shared your ideas and made suggestions!

I had a lovely conversation with a dear friend earlier this week – she was so supportive, and excited about the prospects…which is such an encouragement.  We continued to brainstorm, and the conversation was such a blessing to me (thank you!).

Today (as the Blank Canvas Project morphs daily), so, well, today my volunteer interests include:

1. baby holding (sick, poor, etc)
2. teaching English
3. literacy instruction for adult men & women
4. food pantry work, and/or cooking/soup kitchen work
5. facility maintenance
6. farming, contributing to community building

So I’ve made some phone calls to nearby agencies, too.  On Friday, I’ll volunteer with Nurses for Newborns – answer phones, sort baby clothes, wash laundry, stock supplies, sort donations – whatever they want.  If I like it and they like me, perhaps I could be a frequent volunteer.  I also left a message for a food pantry organization in the city (stock, sort, pack, ready food boxes for transport), but am waiting to hear back from them.

if you have any ideas or suggestions, ideas, or just want to say hello, please stop by.  I’ll put the kettle on.

p.s. I’m going to do the Master Cleanse as soon as my citrus juicer arrives.

p.p.s. my work with the holistic nutritionist has come to a close…and I’ve lost about 20 pounds! (just recently – took my body this long to start to lose weight…will explain more in a different post)

p.p.p.s.  thank you for reading – i hope this post finds you well… take care and consider yourself hugged (((((wibsite)))))