conversations with coworker

was talking with a coworker yesterday… during some down-time between clients… talking about friendships, significant others, and how to get our emotional needs met…

I mentioned that, a long time ago, my mother told me i was very hard on my friends.

…my coworker said she could see that.

but what does that mean?

do i have high expectations? if someone doesnt’ meet my expectations do i throw them out with the trash?

i’m not part of a “group of people”… not sure why. although, my city is very difficult to break into socially. there are many people who would consider themselves in my inner circle… but they may not know there’s another inner circle…(and people in that inner-inner circle, whom i feel comfortable with and who know many parts of me, may not realize they’re in that inner-inner circle)
i feel as though no one really knows me – perhaps that has to do with moving around a lot growing up? being independent, self-sufficient…? but i don’t consider those bad things… who knows.

I have had enough experience to know that if someone doens’t have anything to give me, then i need not spend precious emotional energy on that person. for example, although she’s my sister, she doens’t make me feel good, she’s often mean (and sometimes she’s not, which is confusing), but i don’t beat down her door begging her to spend time with me because often I don’t feel good around her… am on the defense.. always protecting myself..

so i’ve been living in this current city for over six years. and i have met people, and have girlfriends… we schedule get-togethers 2 or 3 weeks in advance… they’re on my calendar. but… where’s the “right now” friend? what if i need someone right now?

I wonder if that where romance and a significant other comes in? am i at the point in my life where most people have a significant other, and i’m the minority, which is why many of my friendships are not fulfilling that need… because they’re not designed to…?

my coworker said all of her friends meet different needs… that each one of them brings out something different in who she is, in her own personality… and that it’s too much to expect one friend to meet all of those needs.

intellectually, i agree.

but, at the same time, i’m wanting to be fully known by one person… known and accepted. loved, too. and perhaps i’m asking too much of my friends – i get easily disappointed… i think i am a good friend (except when i forget birthdays, but i do give to them in other ways)

so perhaps i’m missing what i don’t have? is that possible…? probably.

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