why is it that i’ve been checking email all day… in hopes of a response? why is it that i ‘want my life to start’ when i’ve accomplished so much already? why is it that i can’t celebrate where i am now, in my singleness, and embrase what life is offering me now… and i think about the future and hope for what’s in my heart? why is it that i may want something so much that i’ll settle for second best…? that i’ll put my dreams aside for something similar… not the same… not necessarly good enough… but close?
why is it that i’ve had tasks to do all weekend… and it’s 8:01pm and I have yet to accomplish the majority of them?
why do i rationalize putting something off…? is it because i so often perform very well under pressure? do i thrive on eustress?
i’ve been a little out of the wib-loop this week as i ponder things, wonder about my place in the world, etc. i think deciding not to join that church recently was a huge bummer… i just wanted it to work for me. but i believe getting more involved with the congregation and doing ‘stuff’ with them/volunteering will help. there was a void… i was hoping becoming a memeber woudl fill. i guess that’s the wrong reason for joining a chuch community, eh?
my sister called today to invite me to one of the children’s Christmas concerts – that was really nice. am looking forward to it… dark gym, lots of wiggly children, singing off-key… ah, memories. i also invited her familh over to my house next weekend for a gift exchange… after dinner, for dessert and presents. i think it will be a good night, at least i’m hopeful. i hope she doesn’t get upset about the items i was given from our grandmother’s house… but she has tons of stuff she was given over the years, so i hope it won’t be an issue. that’s the only down side to having family in town :)
i’m not sad… melancholy… or down. just not necessarily care-free… i donno… i’m not bummed about the holidays, or at least i don’t think so. perhaps i’m a bit off because of my father’s health, and i’m going out to visit them in two weeks. yes, that must be it. it will be hard – mom says he’s lost so much weight in the past few weeks… down to about a 1/3 of his origional size. it will be sad, i’m sure. but i also have hope – because he has regained his appetite, at least for a few days recently. that’s hopeful.
anyway, i’ve successfully procrastinated for the past 8 minutes, and it’s time to go accomplish something useful.
am having two old friends (whom i met through work) over for dinner tomorrow night… am planning to make a vegetable chicken dish in the crockpot [slow cooker] so it’ll be ready before i get home… some garlic bread… cucumber salad… and and some yummy brownies w/ vanilla ice cream. i’m hungry already.
but before that happens, i need to clean the bathroom, get some fresh guest towels, wet mop the floor to remove the footprint residue from the recent snow, tidy up the living room and dining room… and clean the kitchen (wash dishes, dry dishes, put dishes away, sweep floor… remove trash – you know, the full treatment!)
wish me luck – i may check in again to update…. it’s a nice kind of accountability…not weird, but very public – helps me stay focused on the current objective :)
hope you all have a good night…wherever you are.