there’s a train going through… it’s the middle of the night my time, and i hardly ever get to hear the train. i hear its horn. if i were outside, perhaps in a tent, i could hear it better… but inside my house, with the hum of the computer, i hear it faintly. reminds me of when i was little – my brother and i used to put pennies on the train track – when the trains would go through at nighttime, the trains would flatten the metal – it was always fun to go out the next day and see if we could find any flattened coins. …those were the days before major fences – when parents let us play near the train tracks – there was a little path behind our house, over the train tracks, to the post office. after we moved away, they closed the path… and it was no longer convenient to walk to the post office. the roads nearby were so twisty/turny it was unsafe to walk… then the neighborhood post office was no more. but i digress. that is not why i’m here, in the middle of the night.
i’m here because i can’t sleep. although i didn’t try incredibly hard, i did read a book, then toss and turn for quite some time. perhaps i should get my sunglasses out to help my brain know it’s nighttime. but that would involve going outside, and i’m always afraid of going out in the middle of the night – even though this is a safe neighborhood.
my brain is like digital satellite television… over 400 channels at my fingertips. i could think about all the ways i’m satisfied with my job… and all the ways i’m not. all of the people i enjoy working with… and all of those whom drive me crazy. sometimes i think of the “house project” list i’ve got going… but then that makes me overwhelmed, considering i still am in the unpacking stage, and my basement looks like a sea of semi-unpacked boxes. which drains my energy…which makes it hard to recoup… which makes doing a variety of things difficult when i’m emotionally spiritually and mentally exhausted. …sometimes i think about my sociological experiment [which i decided to stop, by the way – it was getting a bit unnerving, wasn’t revealing the desired results…and since it’s a personal sort of project, and i’m in charge, i decided the activity had run its course and it was within my rights to say ‘ok, finished’] and other times i think about how happy i am, how well things are going, and just how luck i am to be here/now. i really am. i think about all the ways i could expand my social circle in my town, how to befriend new people, and now to break out of my increasingly limited social contacts. relationships (all types of relationships) are hard, and require hard work. some of my friendships have fallen away – people don’t need each other the same ways they used to… people outgrow one another… people change… people find other people (e.g., significant other) and priorities change. which they should – no harm in that. it’s just that the dynamics in friendships have to grow and change, too… or else, one day, you’ll turn around and your circle of near & dear will be gone.
other times i think of all the things and places and activities and projects i’ve got planned for the summer… and then i think about how it’s less than 8 weeks, and i better get moving on making plans. and i think about making wise financial decisions… i think about my father’s ailing health… i think about my poor mother handling him alone, far away from me – how i can’t help on a regular basis. how i don’t know what i’ll do when my mother passes away someday… i wonder if it was a mistake to move so far away, but then i think about how i knew *years* ago that if i stayed in the same town i never would have grown up – would have wrapped my life to grow around theirs… and how it was healthier for me to move out of town.
and i think about the relationships i have with my siblings. and, just in case anyone ever finds me, i’ll stop this train of thought… my blog is fairly anonymous, and i’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible, or else i wont’ feel the freedom to say what needs to be said… because, as we all know, once something is archived it’s *preserved in amber* for generations to come.
then i think about how people perceive me, how i come across, how to make a better impression, how to be stronger professionally, how to handle work situations better, how to be better, how to be stronger, how to reflect myself better, how to improve my game so-to-speak.
now i’m thinking about my bookshelves, wondering when i’ll unpack the books (probably after the clothes, as the books are currently blocked by/buried underneath the clothes) and i’m looking forward to finding some of these books – they’re like old friends. and it’s been over a year since i packed them up. i started packing last april… then found the house over the summer… then moved end of summer, and i’m still unpacking. i need my friends, the books. perhaps i should join a community book club. but i’d probably be the youngest one there. but perhaps that would be a blessing – to learn wisdom from older people. (most people i see at my library are of the grey-haired variety)
remember that personal project from last autumn? and i needed some time (say, a month) to start working on it? my goal was to begin small lifestyle changes to lose weight. well, that project has fallen by the wayside… and i’m trying to figure out why. i don’t understand – i’m a smart girl…when i set my mind to something, i accomplish it with flying colors. why can’t i figure out how to put myself in a position to lose weight? deep down, do i not really want to lose the weight? deeper still, is it a barrier – to help screen people, to help keep me safe? does it serve as a layer of protection? and if so, how can i break through that?
see… these are just a few of the things on my mind at the moment. there are others. like…when was i planning to sand & paint the chairs that are in my garage – and what color did i finally decide on? and what about planning a trip to the beach with my high school buddy? and when am i planning to go to New York? and to Colorado? and to Maryland/Washington DC? within those 8 weeks? those same 8 weeks in which I’d like to get floors installed on the 2nd floor, and get the basement tiled?!?!?!?! it’s only 8 weeks!
well, if you’ve read this far, i thank you for your time. feel free to leave a comment. they brighten my day. even though i don’t always respond, i do appreciate what you have to say. and tomorrow is an intense day…but hopefully incredibly productive. our last day with students is wednesday – and my last day working is next tuesday… so the end is in sight.
the train has long passed, but it was comforting to hear.
i planted some window boxes over the weekend… and a few pots of flowers & plants, too. they’re on my front porch, and every morning (so far) i water them on my way out to work. hopefully, by the end of the summer, they’ll be gorg
PARDON THE INTERRUPTION FOLKS. AS I WAS ABOUT TO SIGN OFF, I HEARD A SMALL SOUND, TURNED MY HEAD, AND SAW THE BIGGEST BUG I’VE EVER SEEN. WELL, MAYBE NOT THE BIGGEST, BUT IT WAS VERY BIG! SO I WAS BRAVE, GOT A CUP, THEN OF COURSE THE LITTLE RASCLE RANT INTO THE CLOSET. SO NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS. NOT IN THE CLOSET WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR. NOW I’M SCARED. DO I HAVE ROACHES? EEEEEEEW! THAT’S JUST GROSS! HAVE I BEEN HAVING NIGHTTIME VISITORS FOR A LONG TIME AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT??!?!?!? THAT’S EVEN GROSSER! YUCK! I’M SCARED… AND WHERE ARE MY SHOES. I NEED TO JUMP INTO BED AND PROTECT MYSELF ON MY PRINCESS BED – I’M LITERALLY 4 OR 5 FEET OFF THE FLOOR UP THERE… YIKES – WHERE IS THAT BUG?!?!?! NOW I FEEL LIKE THEY’RE CRAWLING ALL OVER ME!!!!!! (just checked – they’re not)
ok – best be off now. must conserve my energy for bug battles. battle of the bug. call me bug warrior. the bw. similar to a VW, except i’m not a german car.