yes, I’m feeling a little bit less empty compared to the last post. Which is a blessing.
why, you ask…? because i thought i’d feel happy and fulfilled by opening up my home and preparing and serving dinner for eight.
and dinner was fun and conversation good and everyone (including myself) had a nice time… lots of laughter and good stories.
then they left.
and my home was empty.
and i felt more alone than i have in a long while…
added to the mix were two very cool younger married couples
and a handful of single people (two of which were totally hitting it off – which is great! except i had a crush on one of them… which is where the ‘foolish’ part of the title comes in)
i guess what’s hard is: i have so much to offer. i give what i can. i’m meeting people, reconnecting with church, committing to going etc, being open to opportunities as they come… creating a new job opportunity for myself at work… but i guess it comes down to one thing, once again – and there’s something i fight about my weight – both the “having it” and the “losing it”. i’ve accomplished so much… and i just can’t tackle this one thing (which, as most educated people know, is really not about the weight)
it’s hard to be un-bitter and un-prickly when people (male and female) disregard me on several levels…
my expectations for tonight’s dinner were unrealistic… which usually leads to feelings of emptiness. thus my current state. things will look better tomorrow. they always do. but right now i’m just empty… and a little bit sad.
in other news – my neighbor called today, which was a huge blessing… there has been some recent miscommunication, and now that’s all sorted out.
and my niece is spending the night tomorrow night – which will be fun… she doesn’t know it yet, but we’re not spending the night in my basement w/ couches and spare beds & television… nope: she’s gonna sleep on the couch with me in my own bed – much simpler (and warmer!) that way (the basement is so cold)
and i have plans on Saturday to spend time with a new friend from church. maybe she’s someone i could talk to about my foolish-ness… i have a feeling she’d give me a reality check. we’ll see – this will be our 2nd time hanging out, so i just hope we dont’ get arrested. hehe
I like Firefox.
…over the past few months I’ve dabbled in the Firefox world, and I must admit it has a great deal to offer. In addition to Stumbling (a fantastic down-time filler) it saves passwords, does its own spell check… and, gosh darn it, when Internet Explorer won’t let me send out an Evite.com invitation or play a Scrabulous game on Facebook, Firefox has come to the rescue.
At some point I’ll transfer my bookmarks over… not sure if there’s a simple way to import them. but just wanted to say Hooray for Firefox, a very nice IE alternative.
In other news I went back to work today after one glorious week’s vacation. Which was such a blessing. I’ve been asking for prayer to balance work/home life better… it’s a struggle, especially since I’ve spent so much time investing in a work/professional identity. perhaps that’s why I’m single – been putting the nose to the grindstone for so long, I’ve gone and grown up and 8 years have passed by like *snap* that.
Met some really nice people last week through working on a project at church. Had dinner with two of them over the weekend, and hope they’ll develop into friendships. I’ve been needing everyday friends… and perhaps, either together or separately, we’ll become friends.
The church project also had its downfalls, mostly the “boys club” at the church, and one church intern who was very critical of the artists’ contribution to said project. I have a call into the lead intern, but I’m afraid he 1) won’t hear my concerns and suggestions 2) will be loyal to boys’ club instead of listening to my experience and hopefully be open to modifications in the future… we shall see.
A few years ago a friend of mine turned 40. We had been friends for several years…we knew each other pretty well. She was becoming more outspoken at work, taking more risks, being more vocal… she said “I don’t know if it’s because I’m turning 40, but I’m putting my thoughts out there now like never before”
At that moment, I made a decision: I”m not waiting until I’m 40 to say things when they need to be said.
This has its own up and down sides… but overall, I can look myself in the mirror and know I did what needed to be done when needed.
There’s a quote I really like – goes something like this: Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb – that’s where the fruit is”
i’m all about being efficient.
i’m utilizing my time effectively today in preparation of a dinner party at the end of the week. you know, washing dishes, vacuuming, dusting, seating arrangements, etc.
so i’ve *also* been going through the dreaded mail… piles of stuff i haven’t had the emotional energy to shred. (“having people over” is a good incentive)
it’s ‘trash day’ tomorrow. one of the things i wanted to do was bring up a huge box of shredded papers from the basement. it’s unsightly, and gosh darn it, it’s time to get it out of my life.
so… i got a dolly (thingy w/ wheels to carry larger thingys w/o wheels) and tried to get the box up the curvy stairs. problem. box too big, too heavy, and insufficiently strong…
the box wasn’t holding up well. humph.
in the spirit of efficiency, i started hefting the box with pure human strength up each stair. by the time i got to stair #5, the bottom of the box was ripped… i started feeling catalogs and shredded paper at my feet. yikes!
in my feeble attempt at decorum, i firmly believed i could *will* the box up the stairs.
squeeze! push! heft! ho! push! push! push!
unfortunately, with all my might and will… everything (i mean everything) slipped quietly out of the bottom of the box, down the stairs, and around the corner to the basement floor.
i was silent for a few moments, taking it all in.
then i started shoving all the papers to the basement floor (to facilitate clean up), went outside to get a large trashcan, and started loading up the large container with all of the papers and catalogs and magazines… in this type of domestic situation, it’s important to choose to laugh (the alternative is to cry, and that just won’t do). ha ha.
the point to this story? next time: start at the end – bring on the trash can…
i wasn’t paying attention, and the hammer drill caught my hair… ouch!
next time: pull hair back to safe distance from massively monster motor…
someone found me with this: don't want to be involved with the church (hello visitor! i hope you found some encouragement… that most Christians – at least this one – certainly don’t have things figured out…nothing is perfect…no one is perfect… we’re all imperfect – especially those of us involved in a church)
…which is a nice segue, actually…
Being involved in a church, and getting involved, means you get to see the light and dark, the good and a bit of the ugly. Meaning, we’re human. Just people. Imperfect people doing the best we can in an imperfect way…
Last night (and Monday evening) I helped a group of people create beautifully painted, big textured crosses on large canvases… over 11 feet each, I think. We made two darker ones for the Good Friday service, and last night we got to make the beautiful glorious cross for Easter Sunday. Lost of acrylic paints, modge-podge, and textured materials…
I was in a group of 6 women the first night… there were so many personalities, I swallowed some pride and just did what was asked of me… but then *last* night, there were only two of us, and two men who sat near & tried to help by mostly offered critique and constructive criticisms.
In both situations I took a back seat b/c I don’t usually work on canvas, so this was a learning opportunity for me… but it was a great deal of fun, and I learned a lot.
I’m hoping to take some photos after the service on Friday night, and if so I’ll set up a flickr account so you can see. They’re quite stunning.
It’s been nice to reawaken some gifts that I’ve let get rusty… and to have opportunities to develop new ones :)
I purchased a hammer drill the other day. My walls are plaster, and I can get through about 1/2 an inch of plaster, but then I hit something… and I’m not strong enough to push through w/ the power drill (and I realized my original drill was a little weakling – no wonder I couldn’t do it!). So I got a new hammer drill – boy, is that thing LOUD! and very powerful. I’m almost afraid of it… actually, I’m very afraid of drilling a hole in my face or eye or randomly un-attaching a finger or something… but so far, so good. With each hole I drill, it gets easier.
The point of *this* story is to tell you …after almost 2 years of living in my house, I finally have my beautiful things on the walls. Which makes it more homey. Which, in turn, makes me happy. And it’s all about me ;)
I’ve got a few more things to do before my ‘spring break’ is over. Next week I go back to the daily grind… but it’s been so nice to have a vacation from all that’s demanded of me on a daily basis… I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my time off, it’s been semi-productive, and overall, very restorative.
and thank you Chas, yes, the tangles have untangled a bit… insides aren’t as constricted, which is a blessing.
my stomach is in knots… not sure if it’s because my week-long break from work is 1/2 way over, if it’s because I’m a Planner and I spend time with lots of Spontaneous folks, if it’s because my taxes are not finished, or if it’s the bowl of coffee ice cream w/ hot chocolate sauce from last night. Any one of these will cause one’s stomach to be a bit floopy.
In the past few days, I’ve had the chance to reconnect with several dear friends, which has been a huge blessing. Sometimes I don’t think I’m able to balance work/home life with much finesse… as both are necessary, and when there isn’t a balance, things get a bit off kilter.
it’s not much, but it is what it is… thank you for stopping by :)
why I didn’t get any comments last night on this post. The I realized I *thought* about posting, composed it in my head… but didn’t actually make it to the computer. So here’s a second version for your entertainment:
My sister in law was expecting a new baby girl in the middle of March. She had the baby this past Saturday – wonderful! Everyone is healthy and happy… except one little detail. It’s a BOY! She discovered the false identity about 10 minutes after the birth when the nurse took the baby to do Apgar scores, weight, etc. Everyone (including dr’s and nurses) were shocked. They haven’t decided on a name yet… but baby boy’s room is beautifully decorated with ladybugs and lots of pink accessories. Oh dear :) What a wonderful surprise!
In other news, my boss reprimanded me last week. Which was very appropriate, I took the criticism well… except I needed to apologize to a coworker for overstepping my role, and, well, let’s just say if you’re holding back tears b/c you had no intention of hurting said coworker’s feelings, and you think it might be better to apologize tomorrow (after a good night’s rest) it’s probably a great idea – I ended up *not* listening to myself, and made a very embarrassing apology (that very same day), complete with silence b/c I was trying to hold back the tears… then I couldn’t so I just cried through the apology. How embarrassing. And it’s not like the world was ending. I just inadvertently hurt her feelings. Which was not my intention… No one mentioned my cry-spell the next day (how nice of them) but this just reinforces my reputation of being “emotional”. Yuck.
My friend and her baby boy are coming over for lunch. I’m so excited to see them. I haven’t seen him in about 2 months, which means he’s grown leaps and bounds. The house is vacuumed, dishes clean, table washed, food prepared… now I just need to finish this post and jump in the shower :)
and next week (after Easter Sunday) I’m cooking dinner for the sermon discussion group I’m part of. I’ve thought of a menu easily thrown together the night before *and* immediately before they arrive, as I’ll just be getting home from work about 1.5 hours before they arrive. There’s a huge part of my heart that wants my home to be a welcoming place people can come and be restored – does that make sense?
Thank you for reading – please stop by for tea, as I’d love the company and… you’re always welcome here.
I just wanted to thank everyone for your support and encouragement… last night the sermon discussion group met (2nd meeting) to share our faith stories. Things went really well, it was a very informal sharing time, and it was good.
And I think this is good, too. There are two group leaders, one male & one female. The guy didn’t come last night due to previous commitment. I was disappointed, but then realized what a blessing that was – because I *might* have a crush on him (usually when a semi-normal guy is nice then I usually have a crush on him) and, well, anyway, it was good he wasn’t there – didn’t cloud any issues of faith or my desire to be there/share, etc.
In other news… Oh, my father came home from the hospital. After being in/out since October. He’s still not well. Sometimes it’s hard to pray, but if you could please keep them in your thoughts… especially for my mother, as she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. and for me to be an encouragement to her & them both. thank you… will keep you posted.
Another snow day. Which means I have time to work on the 7 reports that I have going… whoooo-hoo! No cancelling therapy or rearranging schedules… nope, after this post I will put my nose to the grindstone. I won’t even make a move on Scrabulous until they’re done! (whoa- rain must be serious)
Thank you again for the comments re: my dilemma. I’m feeling much better about it. I think I’ve insulated myself from most all potential hurt and vulnerability over the past few years, and joining a community group/cell/bible study has revealed a crack in my armor. And the funny thing is, I’m tired of wearing the armor. The constant protection. It’s so heavy and bulky, and it gets in the way… even though it’s to protect, it’s also a barrier of sorts.
funny, isn’t it, that I’ve used those words to describe a situation and I also struggle with my weight? I’m a smart girl, and at some level I know the two are not unrelated.
At some point my life will make sense, God’s plan will be revealed, and I’ll have some level of understanding. Until that day, I’m just here… doing the best job possible.
p.s. Did you check out the Mom Song below? It’s sung to the William Tell Overture.