hello wibsite… i’ve been lurking for a while, but haven’t had the energy to post. and i’ve still got an identity crisis re: theme… so today it’s ‘classy pink’. it’s been over a month, much too long since my last post. i anticipate it’ll be difficult to fall asleep tonight b/c there are multiple thoughts running around in my pretty little head…so hope, if i share them here, my head will quiet and allow me to rest. let’s try and see.
my house continues to be in a state of confusion as the kitchen project is still not done. the more they fix things improperly installed and/or broken, the more they break things and/or improperly reinstall them. it’s a vicious circle. and i want it to stop. this is ridiculous, really… tonight i realized the dishwasher isn’t level front-to-back, thus the racks rush out and clatter dishes. it has been uninstalled and reinstalled about 4 times in the past two months… no wonder. someone needs to fix it. they also need to replace the sink they chipped while replacing the counter top that was scratched during 1st installation… if it’s not one thing, it’s another. am on a first name basis with the manager, and neither of us is very pleased with the increased amount of phone conversations we’ve had during this installed sale. i can’t wait until these people, the scheduled appointments, and the broken reinstallation components come to rest… i will then be able to breathe and move into the kitchen. there’s also a broken drawer track, but that’s another story for a different day (it’s keeping me from moving into a base cabinet…because i see no reason to move into that cabinet until i can make sure it’s free from sawdust and smelly gross man-ness… yuck.) needless to say, several phone calls will be made early tomorrow morning.
good news: on Friday, had a chance to do a diagnostic evaluation. their usual person was out sick, so asked me to fill in, and i was thrilled to do so. am looking forward to a year or two from now when someone retires so that i can interview for the job. i’d be very pleased to have that job on a regular basis… it would make me feel like a real professional and i could go home every day feeling pleased that i got as much info as possible and did a thorough evaluation and be pleased with my job performance (instead of feeling like a failure on a regular basis b/c i’m not able to give the kids what they need in terms of therapy because i have too many kids on my caseload and too much paperwork to do and meetings to prepare for…) i look forward to a change in the future.
am having a medical procedure the week after Easter, which is in response to an unusual test result… hopefully the procedure will reveal nothing extraordinary. however, i’m concerned this will be an ongoing component for my immediate future, and i’m not looking forward to it. because it’s painful. the more i read online (from as reputable sources as i can find) the more i’m concerned about my health, and each website says there’s truly nothing i can do about it except monitor…through this medical procedure. all because of a stupid moment (or possibly moments) of weakness… is it any wonder i’m feeling a bit out of control?
i’m trying to stay as positive as possible at work, keep myself in check… called my primary care doctor a few weeks ago asking for a mild dose of an anti-anxiety drug i took years ago just to take the edge off… thought a handful of pills would last me through the spring/summer. i’m about 1/2 way thorough a month’s supply… needless to say, the spring has been a bit stressful so far. i used to take many, many drugs for a variety of reasons (sleep, depression, anxiety, etc. it was a colorful cocktail) and then, after finding a doctor who knew what she was doing, determined that it may be possible to wean myself off (because i had been misdiagnosed – long story) and have been brain-drug free for a few years now (except for my asthma medications…breathing isnt’ optional you know). i have my moments of being a bit off, but dont’ we all? however the anxiety…well, if taking a little pill takes the edge off and makes me better able to interact with people and handle myself in the big bad world then that’s a-ok in my book.
then there’s all the family stuff… a father who’s draining my mother’s energy and life away… a mother who’s allowing her ungrateful husband to drain her (i have many mixed emotions – a post for a different day)… siblings who are incapable of being available to me which is confusing since i make myself available to them whenever asked. and i offer… and i follow up. yet the same courtesy isn’t extended my direction. confusing, i say. makes me want to pack up my toys and go home.
the health stuff – well, weight actually. realize that i let my weight inhibit me…and what am i going to do about it? have a # for a new therapist who may help me work through some healing and anger issues… spoke with a dietitian last week, which was about as helpful as watching paint dry – although she was nice, she didn’t have helpful solutions. “eat right & exercise more” isn’t helpful advice to me at the moment – i have a master’s degree from a highly respected educational institution… am not stupid, and need help. being patronizing does not help. i need someone to help me where i am and help me overcome… which is why i’m hoping the new therapist will help with healing & anger. i’ve got a lot of anger… have read harriet lerners’ Dance of Anger (have read all of her dancing books, actually – she’s wonderful) and yet still struggle with anger…it’s just under the surface, which i suppress most of the time…but wonder what life could feel like without it under the surface at all? hopefully time will tell.
am scheduled to visit a spa in just over a week… for just one night, but that’s enough to get out of town and clear my head. there’s a pool, steam room, massages… a warm bed, and quiet there. i’m looking forward to restorative nature of the trip – it’s about an hour away, and if it goes well i may look forward to visiting again in the future. so tomorrow it’s a few phone calls to an investment person, the contractors re: kitchen problems. i can’t wait for this to be over… love, rain.