I’m not sure when or how it started (well, maybe I do) but whenever a visitor leaves my home (platonic, nonplatonic, family, friend, whatever) I always stand at the door until he/she is safely inside his/her car and they’re on their way. Sometimes if it’s really cold out, I’ll press my nose against the glass and fog up the window…sometimes I watch my visitor get into his or her car, other times I just look at the yard/cars/trees, or other times I’ll go out on the porch and say goodbye one last time … On occasion I’ll flicker the porch light, other times I’ll wave…but I always make sure to close the front door after they drive away.
I didn’t realize I did this until a few years ago I was leaving someone’s house late at night, it had snowed, there were many stair steps to get to the parking lot, and there was a lot of ice/show to remove from my car. I remember feeling so alone when the person just closed the door, and didn’t check to make sure I got to the car safely, if I was able to get the snow/ice removed, or even offer some sort of support (even if it’s just waiting to make sure things were safe on my end). I suppose this tells me a lot about a person… because it happened again in a different circumstance – was leaving the house of a man I was dating, late at night, and he walked me near to my car, we said goodbye, and he immediately went inside… he wasn’t there when I turned around before opening my car door to ask “how do I get out of here again?” (this person also didn’t answer his cell phone, so I left a message – he called me back about 40 minutes later, after I had made a few wrong turns and figured it all out by myself).
When I was younger, my mother told me I needed to toughen up, to stop thinking so much, to be breezy, and to not care so much… not notice every nuance of everything so intently. Unfortunately, she and I are cut from similar yet totally differently patterned cloth, as it’s part of my makeup to notice and remember things. I have a family member (FM) who has no problem telling people what to say, how to say it, manipulating situations for personal advantage, not noticing other people’s feelings (although skilled in the business world, this FM does have difficulty with close personal relationships) and who is apparently highly sensitive as well – although it’s difficult to tell sometimes. There’s a theory out there that highly controlling people are insecure. Although I’m inclined to believe it on an intellectual level, it’s a tough pill to swallow when you’re being bossed-around by a FM in his/her 40’s over minuscule things. At the dinner table. gah.
This FM and I just spent some time together last night and most of today…
The hour when I arrived last night (before bedtime) went very well (possibly because we were both exhausted), and the hour after we woke up went well too – fairly good conversation, interacting, there was an even playing-field, the “you & me are family” and “we’re in this together” camaraderie. We have a shared history (sort of) and we share loved ones. Similar education, but very different life experiences.
Unfortunately, I was trying to be helpful in a supportive, upbeat, humorous way…which did not go over very well. Don’t worry, I got the message ( “drop it” ). So the next six hours were much more formal, speak when spoken to, talk about what the FM wanted to discuss, smile and nod, and please pass the carrots. Pleasant. Very pleasant. Pleasantly smile and nod. Because the fun and camaraderie was gone. Why? Because my FM was reminded just how much I annoy him/her.
So I didn’t finish this entry last night – got kind of stuck. Because there’s so much to say, so much history… so much to explain. I still remember things that were said in anger & indifference years ago. It’s hard to forget how people truly feel about you… but then why is it easy to remember the bad stuff and not the good stuff? I donno…the human condition, I guess.
I can’t quite put my finger on why this particular FM and I don’t have the best of relationships… I’m guessing some sort of rivalry is the root. I’ve also had the added bonus of being about 10 years younger, so I can learn from this FM’s & others’ experience.
Last night realization came over me in waves – about how my actions impacted others, about not being loved/appreciated/understood for who I am today, about the increasing poinency of singlenss and not having a family to call my own (me thinks my uterus and hormones are starting the ‘babybabybaby’ mantra…which is difficult for me because i don’t see that in my immediate future…) Maybe I push people away and dont’ ask for help and become increasingly self-sufficient so that I won’t be disappointed when they let me know or are hurtful…
An old friend recently told me that she believes I will have the desires of my heart someday… and over the past few years it has become more and more difficult for me to envision… perhaps I am my own problem? or get my own way?
As things stand right now, I currently have low job satisfaction (and am starting to network in different regions of the country & doing some research about various careers with my training & certification), my circle of local friends is fairly small, and I’m in a rut. Do you know how to get out of a rut? The only thing I can think of is to start doing this dramatically different… or one thing. Pick one thing and do it differently. Part of the problem with that approach is that it takes a great deal of energy…and most of the time I’m exhausted, or am recovering from being exhausted. Emotionally, which feeds into physical exhaustion. I’ll get it together, one day Ill have this all figured out… but until then, thank you for reading, consider yourself hugged, and I’ll come back and flush out more of these thoughts sometime soon.