on hold? and transition.

I’m much more like my mom than I would have thought ~ she doesn’t ever talk about things when things aren’t going well (which means she’s been silent for years b/c of my dad), and i have to drag them out of her…which is never fun (but usually leads to a cathartic/solution-oriented conversation…or at least allows her to share her burdens…except for all those times it doesn’t).  Years ago, maybe somewhere between high school and being settled & social here in STL, I realized that the victim mentality doesn’t work for me ~ i’m physically unable to tolerate it – i shut people out who have it b/c why waste my time?…it’s self-serving, selfish, and doesn’t encourage us to be the best we can be ~ or move on! and become better.  And I don’t want to waste any friend’s time…

Whether the source of the transition is an external change or your own inner development, the transition always starts with an ending.
To become something else, you have to stop being what you are now;
to start doing things a new way, you have to end the way you are doing them now;
and to develop a new attitude or outlook, you have to let go of the old one you have now.
Even though it sounds backwards, endings always come first.
The first task is to let go.

~william bridges, Transitions (2004), page 80

I know I’m in transition… but the “hold” component of late is a bit much.  Seriously.  The not-getting-a-job for a while…then getting-a-job in the midst of being jerked around by my company… then the two big job opportunities that fell through with my company….then being moved to Cobra amidst lots of confusion because it’s such a system-less system (and not knowing what monthly Cobra expenses will cost, btw)…and lowering the price of my house and having no oh-my-gosh-i’ve-gotta-see-this-and-put-in-an-offer showings… and finding the gutter must be blocked after years as evidenced by water damage in the repaired & painted basement wall that was repaired last spring… and someone stealing my agent’s signs… and realizing that the PRN job facility is crazy – it also doesn’t have systems in place and the staff is uneducated and isn’t being held accountable.

When you are in transition
you actually fall apart
so you can put the pieces back together again (differently).

i recently signed up for weight watchers…and the ww experience threw me for a loop, so i cancelled my membership. since then, i’ve been craving sugar (made icing the other night b/c i didn’t have sweets in the house) and i’ve been making fairly good choices …but also ate a gazillion mini candy bars in the last two weeks b/c i’ve been shopping at the dollar store to save $$ on household expenses and they’ve been impulse purchases…basically been binging ~ but am trying to reign it back in by eating veggies and kale – but am not quite there yet.  it’s like a pendulum swinging.  i need my food groove back – i’ve gotta take it back….and that takes a lot (not sure i have what it takes yet)  i need to cook, to be cooking, but i’m doing what i’m able by going to chipotle or q’doba to get a bowl of rice & beans & pico & protein…tonight it was sushi from trader joe’s.
i broke up with my company (from my perspective), and there’s still drama about how much money i owe them.  i’m so done with being frustrated with them, but at the same time they took a chance and hired me last fall and part of me is torn re: loyalty…but i’m excited to work with a company that has procedures and systems in place already – and i’m supposed to do my job AND THEY’re SUPPOSED to do THEIRs.  it’s like we broke up -except we don’t have to trade “stuff” (book, cde, toothbrush, shirt…)  I got a job on my own about six weeks ago ~ this job is having their new grad speech-path start at the beginning of june…they said they may need me while he gets settled….

…it’s just that i do so much better with a plan and there are no plans right now (and i can’t make plans or move forward with things via plan because the house hasn’t sold).  I’m doing the best i can…or, at least what i’m able.  i’ve probably gained several pounds recently…and i’m trying to focus on other things – and do the best that i can.  and am not dating or looking here because i’m not staying.  i also keep running into walls when i try to find private insurance – no one will medically underwrite a policy for me b/c of my asthma & height/weight.  so that means i’d need to at least work part time somewhere to purchase benefits, but i don’t want that right now b/c it’s locking me in again… and i still don’t understand what’s wrong with my – why can’t i get myself in shape (literally)?  would spending a lot of $ so i’m motivated help – like hire an excellent personal trainer?  that’s something that’s rolling around in my head.  these are some of the stream-of-consciousness-channels inside my head.  or maybe my Plan B should be to get married…and get on my husband’s work insurance!  it’s just so disappointing that what-i-want-to-do is soooooo heavily dictated by health insurance benefits (or lackthereof)

and yesterday afternoon I sent a few texts back & forth with my sister in law – we’ve been trying to talk for a while…so i suggested we talk last night after i got home & grabbed some dinner.  and then my phone volume was down, i worked for approx 2 hours on an email to my company, and missed her call. it’s like inviting people over to your house for a party and then you’re stuck at the gas station with car trouble.  geeze!

does it surprise you that in the last 6-7-ish weeks i’ve gone through 2.5 medium (750ml) bottles of coconut rum/whiskey with coke?

good news – went to the finger doctor surgeon this week…my tendon is in process of reattaching!  so i can be out of the splint (except when i’m working or sleeping).  those little digit-phalanges we have are so important! and I’m gonna go call some handymen to help me with my gutter…and fix my previously-fixed-wall. and see if they can fix the stove – one of the burners doesn’t work since i was away for so long.  And there’s more, i’m sure…. but that’s what’s been rolling around in my head recently.  please excuse me while i tiptoe back into my cave now – it’s hard to feel like you can make your life start when you’re in transition.

2 thoughts on “on hold? and transition.

  1. Goodness – that’s a *lot* going on! I’d be utterly addled if I were dealing with all that! Rest and peace my friend.

  2. ooo crikey! I think you’re doing well to have only drunk 2.5 bottles to be honest :)

    and I think you’re doing the right thing by calling the doc and getting an answer, then calling a handyman and getting something fixed … first fix one thing, then fix the next thing and so on … and eventually it will all work, I KNOW IT!

    lots of hugs in the meantime :)

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